Dafter than a Brush!

Last updated : 25 January 2002 By Paul Berry

1) One hour after playing for England, met 'showbiz

pals' Danny Baker and Chris Evans in a Hampstead pub while still wearing his full kit boots included.

2) When asked for his nationality before an operation, told the nurse: "Church Of England."

3) On a trip to London, jumped out of his car to demand
"a go" on a workman's pneumatic drill. After getting the go-ahead, happily pounded the pavement to the amusement of shoppers.

4) On first meeting with Lazio's president to discuss
his big- money move to the Italian club, was quick to tell the esteemed gentleman that he reminded him of Russ Abbot.

5) Organisers of Italia 90 TV coverage had the splendid
idea of augmenting team line-ups with footage of each player mouthing his own name. Gascoigne's genius led him to subvert the process by, instead, mouthing 'f***ing w***ker.' Broadcasters across the world had to use it all the way through the tournament.

6) Booked a series of sun-bed sessions for then-Newcastle team
-mate Tony Cunningham. Who, of course, is black.

7) Asked by a Norwegian camera crew if he had a message for
England's upcoming opponents, immediately responded with, "Yes. F**k off, Norway. Then ran off laughing.

8) When asked for a footballing comment while at Lazio,
burped enthusiastically into a TV microphone. He was fined 39,000 pounds.

9) Decided it would be a great idea to have massive
hair extensions. Looked a fool and had them taken out a day later.

10) After paying for ex-wife Sheryl's breasts implants,
sent flowers to the hospital after the operation addressed to 'Dolly Parton.'

11) Astounded commuters in London by jumping on a

double-decker in London's Piccadilly Circus and asking if he could have a drive. The bus driver said yes, and the passengers thoroughly enjoyed Gazza's impromptu performance.

12) Sent a rose to the Wimbledon dressing room for Vinnie

Jones after the infamous ball-squeezing incident. Got a toilet brush in return.

13) Set up best mate Jimmy 'Five Bellies' Gardner with a 'girl' he knew to be a transvestite.

14) Has taken the p*** out of refs constantly during
his career. On one occasion he sniffed a hapless ref's armpit while he was holding his hand high to signal a free kick.

15) While attempting to deflect the 'kebab controversy' which spelled the beginning of the end of his England career, assured reportersthat his doner-munching antics following Middlesbrough's promotion to the Premiership would in no way affect his fitness before France 98. One reporter asked: "What do you feel like now?" Back came the inevitable response: "I feel like a kebab with onions".

16) Celebrated his new-found hero status after flying
home from Italia 90 by wearing a huge pair of fake plastic boobs and stomach bearing the legend 'Gazza.'

17) On meeting the president of Denmark's FA, pretended he could speak Danish. When invited to demonstrate, imitated The Muppet Show's Swedish Chef.

18) Conned Five Bellies into eating a mince pie after he'd
scraped out the filling and replaced it with cat excrement.

19) Walked into the Middlesbrough canteen wearing
nothing but his training socks and ordered lunch.

20) Paid 320 quid for a Mars Bar in a newsagents in his
home town of Dunston, then told the shop owner to spend the change on sweets for local kids.

21) Took a documentary team to a beautiful Scottish
cottage which he informed them was his new place, pretended he'd forgotten his key and knocked instead.

When the door
opened, told the befuddled housewife inside that he was doing a telly advert and wanted to know if she preferred Daz or Omo.

22) Crashed Middlesbrough's team bus at the club's
training ground and caused 310,000 pounds worth of damage.

23) While at Rangers, urinated over sleeping team-mate
Richard Gough.

24) Handed 1000 pounds over to Jimmy Five Bellies after
betting that the burly boozer couldn't withstand a cigarette lighter's heat on the bridge of his nose for five seconds. Jimmy could. Twice.

25) After briefly giving up drinking, was advised to
find a new interest. Picked bingo.

26) Bought a 1000 pound robot and programmed it to travel
into Jimmy Five Bellies' room at Gazza Towers and announce: "Make a cup of tea, fat man."

27) Was banned from Liverpool's Cream nightclub in
advance within days of joining Everton last summer, because the Evertonians who run the place wanted him to avoid temptation and stay fit.

28) When Gazza signed for Spurs in 1988, he came down to finalise the deal with a bunch of his Geordie mates. They took over the posh hotel in Hadley Wood where Spurs were footing the bill and wreaked havoc. Gazza met then-chairman Irving Scholar and began talks by saying, "We'd like to thank you for the best three days of our lives."

29) Was asked to leave West Lodge Park Hotel in London after guests were treated to the sight of a naked Five Bellies swimming across the duck pond.

30) Recorded a video message for a corporate party and signed off with a cheery "Happy Christmas, you f***ing w***ers".

31) Greeted reporters in Rome by standing up, asking for silence, then farting at ear-splitting volume.

32) Told an interviewer that he was so superstitious
about the number 13 that he couldn't ever bear to see the numbers 4 and 9 together. Oddly, the combination of 5 and 8 was deemed OK.

33) After being sent off while playing for Lazio, shook
hands with virtually every member of the Genoa side.

34) While staying in a New Zealand hotel, was told
there sheep in this country and there's no bloody bacon!"